Follow up to this:

Fight With Your Heart, Not Your Fist

Although I still stand by this article, there was often one rule in terms of fighting in general, that I and most people often overlook.

Part of the reason why I became addicted to all kinds of confrontations and the rage that ensued, despite me not wanting it to happen, was because at the time I didn't know humility as much. In High School I tried and succeeded in going through all 4 years without ever getting into a single fist fight, only limit myself to verbal confrontations. However, my biggest problem, regarding fights of all kinds is that even if I don't start them I don't back down from a challenge and when I get into it, even when my own friends and family beg me not to, I don't often know when to stop. It wasn't until I realized that my enemies were already dying by their own hands, in one way or another, that I finally knew when to stop. For context, a close relative of mine. Who was a friend one moment and an enemy the next, did something so nasty to me due to desperation and addiction, that I never wanted to see him again when he was at his worst. I basically unintentionally left him to rot in his own misery and eventually he died. And while the death saddened, me, it didn't hurt me as much as it would if I lost someone I cared more about, like my mother. I thought it was just me being in the denial stage of grief, but then I realized, it was because I was free of the bullshit he dragged into my life. While I was sad he was gone at the same time, I was relieved. Like I was finally free of a chain in my life that was dragging me down.

It wasn't until now that I realized it, when I had confrontations recently. Part of my anger at certain people, is because they remind me of the monster said relative was. That he wasn't the only one that was like that and it was mostly because of severe substance abuse mix with an over abundance of pride and envy. At the time with my relative, I unintentionally did that, not knowing it'd be the last I see him again. However in this case, regarding these people, I'm about to do it intentionally. The last time I confronted one of these disgusting, high school, pedophilic, racist pigs, I noticed something stranger than usual about him. His face was sinking into itself. He was getting paler, his eyes were blood shot, his pupils were out of wack and unlike other times he threatened me, he had nothing to say to me. This man spread false rumours of me being a racist pedophile, the very thing the man is, behind my back, because he was afraid to keep saying it to my face. He was known as a baiter bully, he would say anything that would goad people into hitting him, so that he could "Defend" himself and have them charged or worse, beaten to death if he had the balls to do so. Now the stuff he said as nasty as it was and how much I hate being called that despite not being it, obvious bait. Now on the surface, being called that would goad anyone into a fist fight whether they are or not. But to a bully, punching them in the face for specific insults regardless if they are true or not, would be confirmation for them, because normally they themselves would react that way being called it. These were smart bullies because rather than go about it like that, they would instead try to hurt me in other ways, including but not limited to, turning others against me. Once I realized that, I said my piece to those that believed the bullshit and moved on and it made me think of how I left my relative to rot. It used to be a regret, but then it became a weapon.

When I noticed that specific person was sick and I knew what it was. For context, even before I moved to the area, these people spend their days and nights, drinking excessively, doing various amount of drugs and spending their energy listening to loud music that disrupts the rest of the community, yelling over said music to talk to each other and terrorizing their punching bag of the day. Now on the surface that would make even the most law abiding citizen want to snap and beat the shit out of them, just to keep the noise down, let alone the shit these people did. However, on top of it not worth going to jail over, however just I am, it made me look at it through a different perspective. They're drinking excessively, doing various drugs, even pigging out on junk food on the odd occasion and expending energy pointlessly through yelling a lot. Now me, at my worst I do scream a lot, but at the same time, I always keep it short, say my piece and still move on no matter how vulgar it gets, but when I say someone else yells too much, then you know it's more serious. But essentially it shows in every possible way, that they're physically dying. For starters, excessive drug use, especially hard drugs like coke, crack, meth, heroin, morphine, opium, opiods, do a lot of damage to the body and mind. So that's deteriorating slowly. Alcohol does the same, but also damages the liver, making one more likely to succumb to the poisonous effects. They're well past 40 years old, the time where old injuries start catching up and stress in general puts more of a strain on the heart. Their yelling puts more strain on the heart, because they don't stop. And to top it off, my confrontations with them, through loud intimidating noise and a venom tongue, despite their claims otherwise, has wormed it's way into their psyche. Even if they don't want to have a problem with me or pretend I didn't exist, that one part they hate and fear about me is living rent free in their head. Causing more stress on top of the other ailments. Not even ruling out the possibilities they have life threatening diseases on top of that, such as cancer, high cholesterol and other permanent fatal ailments. Not that I wish for that, but it's a possibility. So they're literally dying of a short lifespan.

It made me realize that no matter how much I or anyone of my position hurt or scare them, they won't give up trying to get me one way or another, because as long as they have my attention, they have the satisfaction of someone to drag with them as they die. When I realized that and how it seemed at least in my belief that my relative's death prepared me for a moment like this, something finally clicked.

Part of why I couldn't stop fighting, is that I view some aspects of life including drama and fights like a game. Mostly Chess or some RPG Strategy. At first I was supposed to stop that mindset as it's reality not a game. However, I was thinking about it wrong, because even when I tried to face reality, things kept pulling me back into said game. Then I realized there was one aspect of gaming, the humility I lacked, because I hated to lose games in general.

The Only Winning Move Is Not To Play

So that's what I decided to do. Starting today, I am gonna at least spend a few days, trying to ignore these fucks. Maybe periodically check in on them in passing, to see if they're still rotting. Other than that, I don't see them, speak to them or be in the same area as them. I realized today, there are many spots I could go to, from Libraries, to stores, to friend's places, to family places or even sight seeing in some public park. It's what got my mind off this net drama, so why should real life drama be any different. Basically I am gonna do my best to live my life how I want it, without them even being a part of it. Part of me wanted to save these people from their inevitable demise but a wise man once said:

"I Won't Kill You, But I Don't Have To Save You"

If I'm right then they will destroy themselves in the days to come. They'll either die where they stand or in some hospital somewhere. It's one of the downfalls of heroism. You can't save everyone. That said, you don't have to either. Once you realize the badness in your life is not worth your time and energy. That you have more better or important things to do, than to deal with that bullshit, that's when you're finally free.

Me. It took me nearly losing people I love, to make me realize that they were the important things in my life. That even when I was knee deep in bullshit drama, I was still fighting with their interests in heart. Only to find that some battles are not worth fighting for at all, when the enemy has already lost and is just acting they way they are, because they don't give a shit about life anymore. Now that their's are slowly ending. And while my circumstances are a little different from others, the Aesop is still the same. Some evils can be fought with fists and with heart. However others, need a special weapon to end it all. My weapon is pacifism and a clear goal in mind. And most people thought it was a pussy move. No. It takes a stronger person to walk away from a fight than it does for someone to start from. That's why I block people I argue with, not because I feel I'm right or wrong, but because I realize it's not worth fighting more about, when it's clear they stick to their own perspective of me.

So I ask of you, even if you want to hurt the people that wronged you and you're well justified in doing it. Yet doing so would cost you a future, you worked so hard to build out of sheer pride. Was it worth it?

It took me 26 years to realize it wasn't worth it. I expect you all to learn that lesson faster.

Take care, stay safe and stay tuned for more.