Follow up to this:
We are all part of the same Game.
While my Therapy is getting somewhat better to the point where I can gague myself that I feel 97.5% cured of every problem I was going through in my life, I had to go through an existential crisis to figure out the last of my personal problems. I won't go into detail, because a lot of the moments in my life range from traumatizingly disturbing to embarrassingly hilarious. It was the last lingering threads of the limits my brain could operate on, even if it brought out old wounds that needed venting.
For context, I realized I was in a never-ending battle, because while I can come across as an asshole sometimes, I try to be a nice person. But in a place I live in and I'm sure all over the world can relate to similar circumstances, things often bitchslap me to the point where I either had to suck it up and move on or fly into a rage, reveal nasty truths about the opposition, but cause so much damage, either some think I'm just as bad as them but simply in hiding or worse. No I can be bad, but I have my limits. I've mentioned them on occasion, from my Hatred of Pedophiles to my Hatred of being accused of being and helping them whether I knew the whole story or not. Just to name a few examples. But the one part I couldn't really gague was that I have had a lot of members of my friends and family alike either too good to be true or a complete fucking liar. Now I admit I am guilty of lying both in a malicious way, as a battle tactic and as a means of simply trying to make it out of a bad situation in one piece, but the lies I've often hated the most often hurt more, simply because they were from the people closest to me the most. Be it friend, family or love. It made me suspicious that a lot of the things, even their best advice and I'd often resort to under or overhanded tactics, just to get them to admit the truth. I risked hurting people and breaking their hearts, just to find out the whole truth about my own life as even I have blanks I needed to fill.
That being said, I do have my reasons. Now this is one of the most batshit insane things I found out, when I realized it. I have come to the conclusion that someone that has known me since I before I moved to this town, has set me up for an elaborate practical joke that has come to an end yesterday....that I know of. But essentially the idea that this person along with a select few individuals both old and new, have somehow managed to manipulate events in my own personal life to make me react accordingly. Think of it as like the Truman Show run by Rabbi Cartman, if he binged watch the original Higurashi Anime.
Now had I known about this way back, I would have been extremely pissed off, to the point where I wouldn't just leave my town, I'd go somewhere where there was no outside contact save for food supply and shelter maintenance. I don't know how I would, but I would. But a funny thing happened, while it did make me upset, even caused me to snap on someone I would never even dream I'd snap on, even if I was ok with snapping on my family and friends. However a funny thing happened, it seemed like this person wanted me to snap, but not for malevolent reasons. That this person either as part of the joke or making jokes of their own and went too far at least on my end. But merely to stand up for myself even if the people I care about me are going too far with me with their stuff. The most messed up part is, because I found out that I realized why the other person's joke wasn't as bad as I would think. It was still pretty bad, damn thing was a weigh on my professional and personal rep, I almost got killed both by my own hand and the hands of others, yet it somehow became a very fucked up yet Wonderful Life. It's crazy and I know not a lot of people don't believe it, but funny enough, it's more true than most things that have been talked about and I believe in a lot of weird things as it is.
Whether you know it or not, your life is a joke. Now before you all go thinking I mean it in the negative, hear me out. It's not meant to be a malicious joke, but it can hurt. It's not meant to be a bad joke, but it could offend you. It's not meant to be a lethal joke, but taking it the wrong way can and will definitely kill you one way or another. Once I realized that, I was first pissed, but then I started laughing because I am impressed. Now contrary to popular belief in my personal life, I am not that easily fooled, you'd have to plan this out and improvise because I have a tendency to be unpredictable and take risks if it meant improving my life and making it more peaceful. In other words, once I was slowly catching on in the past, whether I knew it or not, I was fighting back with my own jokes. I trolled certain sites somewhat undercover and found them to be a haven of pedophiles, but I got in too deep that I was enjoying other stuff that wasn't as bad as what they were into, but weird enough y'all wouldn't look at me the same way again. Whenever I came across a bunch of idiots, I'd often say or do things that would give them a bad impression of me, should they piss me off. Mostly throwing their own BS into their own face and leaving when it wasn't worth it. I was basically the Counter Terrorist equivalent of a Cyberbully that went after Cyberbullies while almost becoming one. Mostly because one of my talents is finding unexpected things both good and bad and seeing if they're worth pursuing further based on whether or not I believed them.
But all that was nothing but childish trouble that I have wasted time with because above all else, I was so desperately lonely I never thought there'd be someone or anyone remotely like me. I got proven wrong many times on that front, but even when the person is picture perfect, I still question it, because I feel I don't deserve it. I see the weight of my own sins, I confess enough in hopes I get it off my chest more and try to move on and redeem myself in other ways. But the biggest problems I had was how much effort I needed to put in, to do that even with the odds stacked against me.
If I did too little, I would be accused of not helping more often. If I did too much, I overstep, overstay and screw things up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If something good happens to me I question it because it seems too good to be true. Yet I'm one of the few people whom never ask for more in terms of material goods, just enough to keep me alive or happy enough to keep going and find newer ways to not only improve my own life, but help others along the way. Some listen. Some don't. But some do, but do it their own way and that's the best way.
If something bad happens to me, at best I dismiss it as one of many or at worst, depending on what it is, it's so bad, that it further torments me. Putting me in a mix of an imbalance of anxiety and depression.
Now that I found out why, I am sort of on the fence on whether I should be more happy or more pissed about it. I am impressed and if it went so far as online, kudos to you on that one.
Now the only thing that bothers me about it, is why this is a follow-up to the previous article. Some people have been doing it intentionally for malicious reasons to other people in an effort to make them worse people. Some in my corner however are kinda sorta in the middle, they will go as far as do terrible things, but the pranks they pull on each other, no matter how vicious and brutal are for benevolent reasons. Hard life lessons, punishment games, things like that. However that said, they are so good that they are able to get other people in on the joke, without them knowing or realizing it. They know how to set off triggers, appeal to beliefs and demographics. Because I amalgamated the best of many beliefs, they basically did something so vile and cruel to me, that it forced me to go to Old City Hall and smudge the steps through a sage joint, while a group of middle eastern people were praying and a Native was drumming on the sidewalk. If I didn't see this shit myself on my meds, I would not have believed it. So I don't blame you at this point if you don't. It's one of the reasons why I say religions should work together instead of fighting, I literally seen it happen with my own two eyes.
But the point is, I wasn't the only one that got played and the others have caught on and started hitting friend and foe alike. Accidentally hitting friends more.
If they are out there, the only thing I ask is to keep it down so I can at least rest for the next adventure I'm taking. I am not giving up my life that easy and it's gonna take more than what happened to make me hate them over this even if there are things to hate about it.
But essentially, they did what they had to do, to push me in the right direction and while I feel I needed more of a say in what was happening to me, I am happy with the result so far. Literally 27 years until the end of this April.
Now having said that I do have a message for those whom don't understand they're being played. Here are some, but not all rules, in how to navigate faster.
- Find the reason.
- Decide whom to trust based on level of malevolence over benevolence and vice versa.
- Find ways of getting even without going too far.
Other than that, simply do it all your way.
Until then, stay tuned, stay safe and stay tuned for more.